Vampire Hookers (1. IMDb This movie was really stupid. It was like one of those late 6. It must have been written by a really lonesome nitwit who had no friends and wasn't funny. This movie is full of slapstick, believe it or not. Really bad slapstick.

For instance, there's a guy who lives with the vampires (who live in a pretty slick crypt in a graveyard) and he wants so bad to be a vampire. He even sleeps in his own coffin made out of plywood. There's a really strange part that I can't understand what was happening - he gets in the "coffin" and puts a plastic hose in his mouth and starts breathing in and out with it. Then he starts farting a lot.

He farts so much that he opens the lid to the coffin and starting wafting his nose. Then the scene is over.

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Yeah, it made no sense. And there is an ULTRA long orgy scene that lasts for like 1. It's not even a good orgy. A lot of slow motion hair- flipping, and long long long kisses. It's one guy and three vampire ladies. They show the same kissing parts over and over to this very cheezy porn/helicopter music.

The main vampire man (Carradine) is almost funny. He keeps quoting poetry and claiming that Shakespeare and Whitman must have both been vampires because he really understands their poetry.

It's kind of pathetic because he can never find anyone else that cares about his poetry fascination. And whoever wrote on here about vampires having tan lines, that's a good point. One vampiress is constantly complaining that she can't go play on the beach or get a sun tan, but when the orgy scene comes up, she's got giant tan lines. The voices they use and the audio system they had are really terrible. This young sailor guy who is always trying to get laid has an old man who smoked and drank all his life voice.

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Then the young sailor who has the orgy has a voice like that red head kid from Happy Days. It just doesn't fit. Vampire Hookers = Really bad slapstick humor, awful choices for voice dubbing, a long and boring orgy scene, lots of taxi rides, guys who wear sailor outfits the entire time, and a funny ending credits where each character has their own screen with a shot of them talking and their name.